I.am.in.love!

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Taylor Vachele Higbee

We are so excited to welcome our sweet little Taylor into our family. She is the sweetest little baby and I can't express how grateful we are for her safe arrival and her amazing birth!

 

Here is the short story of her birth:

 I started into labor just after 2:00 am on October 19th. Taylor was born at 6:04 am!! The labor was short and everything went great! I couldn't be happier with how things went. She weighed 7lb, 7 oz and was 20 inches long.

 

Here is the long story of her birth for those who like details :)

Taylor was "due" on October 15th. I knew she wouldn't be born early but I was hoping for sometime between the 16th - 18th. On the night of the 18th, when she hadn't come, I resigned myself to the fact that she would be coming late!  So I gave myself  a little pep talk and geared up for another week of pregnancy. I went to bed early, with no thoughts of labor.

Just after 2:00 am, a strong contraction disrupted my dreams. I was half asleep and half awake, trying to figure out what was going on. Then I felt a second contraction about 5 minutes later. It was SO strong! So powerful! I got up immediately and went into the kitchen to rub some essential oils on my back where I could feel the back labor coming on strong. Then I went back to my room, ready to crawl in bed and go back to sleep. But another contraction hit me so strongly again. I woke Nate up in the middle of my contraction and told him I might be in labor. I felt so confused because this was only my third contraction but they were so strong!! I felt like I was in shock. I was shaking and shivering. I was even a little panicked. How could it be coming on so strong? Nate called our midwife and she seemed to think we had good reason to get headed to the birthing center. That also took me by surprise, I thought she would want me to wait for a while and make sure I was really in labor. I kept saying to Nate that maybe we should wait and that I wasn't sure if this was the real thing. He finally said to me, "Tami, I know what it looks like when you are in labor. We are going." I was grateful he was there with a calm head and able to make the call for us.

I began to calm down at this time and remember how to handle the contractions better. Nate called our sister in law to come ever and stay with the kids and I called my mom at about 2:50 am to tell her we were headed over. We gathered all our stuff and headed out. I was previously worried about the car ride but it wasn't bad at all. I only had one contraction in the car and there was no traffic or other cars on the road at all. We arrived at the birthing center, together with our midwife, Richelle, just after 3:00 am. Her and Nate started to get everything set up while I just worked though the contractions on hands and knees and then rested my head on the seat of the couch in between. I felt in control, confident and so excited at this point. Around 3:30, Richelle had me lay on the bed and she checked me. I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was dilated to a 6!!

They got the birthing tub all filled up and I got into my cute swim skirt. Climbing into that warm water felt so good and relaxing. I loved every second of being in there! I remembered about doing the wash for group B strep and I had to get out to do that. It wasn't great to have to be on my back for a few contractions but Richelle pushed on my knees and it made it bearable. I was still at a 6 at this point but more effaced. It was during this time that Richelle's assistant, Shanlee, got there.  After waiting 10 minutes, I was able to get back in the water.

My Mom got there about 4:15. It was so good to have her there. She was pretty excited. My sister, Tausha, got there about 4:45. I would just sit in the tub and relax and talk and even snack a little. When I would feel a contraction come on I would roll over to hands and knees and someone was almost always behind me pushing on my back. That helped so much with the back labor. In between contractions I felt great and almost like I needed to entertain everyone there. The lights were dim, calm music was on, everyone was calm but excited. It was perfect.

Around 5:30 my contractions started to feel different and more powerful. I started to really make some noise at this point. I remember my throat hurting a little, I felt like a growling mama bear! I stayed on hands and knees from time point on, that just felt the best. The tub perfectly supported my knees out to the side a little and the water helped me to feel light and more relaxed. I kept saying how much I loved the water tub!!

I began to really feel my baby moving down after this. It was amazing to be so present and to really feel it all. With my other births, I was so out of it at the end. I was so much more aware and present this time. As she started to move down more and more, the stretching sensation was incredible!  I remember saying, "I must be in transition, because I am so done doing this!!" Things got more and more intense. I panicked a little and got really loud for a while. I am grateful my mom was right by my side, and she helped me to calm down! I took some deep breaths and pulled myself together (at least in part ;)  

Richelle helped me so much in the pushing phase to do some small pushes and little coughs that helped move the baby down gently. I felt my water break and that was amazing. Not long after that my baby was crowning. They had me reach down and feel her head. That was incredible! I knew she was so close. I didn't really have to do a lot of hard pushing. I just did slow gentle pushes and just let my body to most of the work. Then I felt her head come out. I waited a little and then pushed her body out at 6:04 am! It was incredible! I was on hands and knees when she came out and my midwife gently pushed her under to me and I picked my baby up out of the water and held her onto my chest. It was the most amazing and incredible feeling in the world!!

She wasn't breathing right at first and that scared my mom and sister a lot but Richelle was so calm about it and reassured me that there was nothing to worry about since she was still getting oxygen from the cord. Richelle did a few breaths for her and soon she started to take her first breaths of air. I was able to just hold her there, in the water, on my chest for quite a while. She was pretty blue at the beginning and covered in vernix.  She began to pink up and she just laid there, totally relaxed and calm. It was so amazingly beautiful!

I stayed there in the water for about 30 - 40 after she was born. My placenta came out around 6:30. They put it in a little metal tin and it just floated in the water there by me! I got out of the tub around 6:45. They moved me over to the bed. The cord hadn't stopped pulsing yet, so they put it in a little grocery sack and Nate carried it and the baby over to the bed. I nursed her for the first time and it took a while for her to latch on but she finally did it. After that the cord had stopped pulsing and my mom actually got to cut the cord. That was pretty cool. She weighed in at 7lb 7oz and measured 20 inches long.

This birth was so amazing and so healing for me in so many ways. I literally spent years and countless hours preparing for and hoping for a birthing experience just like this. It went better than I could have hoped for. I had only the tiniest little tear and didn't bleed too much. Considering the bad tears and blood loss I had with the other deliveries, this was a miracle for me (but one that I worked hard for!)! It was all so beautiful and so amazing! I am so in love with my beautiful angel girl!

 

 

Red Barn Fun!

Every year we have been going to the Red Barn to get pumpkins and enjoy the activities. I have to say it is one of my favorite family activities we do all year long! Love it! Nights like that give me such a stronger love for my little family.

 

 

Are those toes I can almost see down there...?

 

 

 

Yes, that is a pumpkin under my shirt...

Yes, someone there told me I would need to pay for it :)

 

Birthday Pictures

So, ya, I'm behind but I figure I better get a few things on here before baby sister is born. Here are some of my favorites from our birthday photo shoot. Love this little monkeys!

 

These are some good looken kids,

even if I do say so myself!

Harrison

So yesterday, September 15th, was the first anniversary of loosing our baby. I really can't believe that it has been a whole year...it has been one heck of a year, for many reasons. I honestly thought that I was going to do fine yesterday but it ended up being a really emotional day for me and for Nate too. The kids were little stinkers on top of all my emotions...but we made it.

{As an update for those who may not know, after we found out we were having a girl, it felt like the right thing to do to give our little boy a name. So we named him Harrison Robert Higbee. Harrison is Nate's Dad's middle name and I have always loved it. Robert is my grandpa's name, who passes away 3 years ago. I feel some how that they know each other up in heaven and I often think of them together.}

So, to honor Harrison, I decided to make and collect things to donate to other families of still born babies and babies in the NICU. It was great for me to spend all my spare time over the last month working on little blankets and gowns. I had several people donate money that I used to get fabric and little jammies A few others donated some cloths, ribbon, bows and little blankets. We took all that stuff and donated it yesterday. That felt good. Then we each got a balloon and took it to the park. We talked for a minute about our baby and then let the balloons go. The kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. They don't really understand too well about what happened but I want them to know about Harrison. I don't want to be the only one that remembers him and thinks about him. I want him to be real and to be a part of our family. I felt like these activities would be a good way to do that.

I have been surprised and grateful at how naming him has helped me to find the peace that I was struggling to have. There is still a little hole in my heart that aches. I think it always will. But I feel at peace thinking of him watching over me from Heaven and to think that I gave him all he needed on this earth.

Happy Birthday my dear Harrison. I hope you know you are loved.

Little Baby

Losing my little boy was one of the hardest personal challenges I have been thorough. I was never sure if his short little time growing inside of me could be counted as coming to earth and getting a body - one of God's major purposes for His children. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was so grateful. We all thought It was a boy! I allowed myself to hope that it was him, coming back to me.

We just had an ultra sound and we are having a girl! Of course we are thrilled to be having a little girl. We will love her with all our hearts. She is healthy and all looks well!

In some ways, it has been like losing my little boy all over again. I had really hoped it was him. I am having to work though new and resurfacing emotions. There are so many questions. So many things I don't know and that I don't understand. Was there really a spirit connected with his tiny body? Will I get him again in this life? Will I ever have him at all? So many things I just don't know. The older I get the more I don't know! BUT here is what I DO know for sure.  I know that God is in His Heaven. I know He loves His children. I know He is aware of little old me and that He has a plan for me. I have felt His presence and of this love over and over again undeniably though out my life, in many different ways. I know He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die for me and all of us. I know through Them, all our deepest wounds can be healed. All that is unfair about life will be made right. I know very little, but this I KNOW, I can trust in my loving Heavenly Father.

So here is to headbands and frills, to pink and lace.
Can't wait to meet you sweet baby girl!

Well, here I am at 20 weeks. Feeling pretty good. Some crazy pains and aches put nothing too bad. Morning sickness is long gone but I still need to eat regularly or I feel sick. I am feeling the baby move regularly now and that is the best feeling ever! Every tiny movement is a gift from heaven. It always felt like Spencer was playing soccer inside of me. Kaitlin was doing tumbling...this little one is more of a yoga baby. I like that.

I had pretty bad anxiety for a while there, especially in my 15th week as you can imagine. Since then it has gotten a little better each week. But the worry and fear is always there, in the back (or sometimes front) of my mind. I know that there is never a "safe" point in pregnancy or in life really. Life is fragile and precious. Each day, each moment is a gift. At any moment we could lose someone we love.  I have come to learn that we are all in God's hands. No one enters or leaves this world without His permission. He has a perfect plan for all of us and the only thing we can do is just trust in Him and His perfect plan.

Hopefully we will get an ultra sound soon and I will post if it's a boy or girl.

My due date

A friend asked me how I was doing today. I am sure she was just generally asking how I was but the words lept out of me, a longing to share my burden..."My baby was due this week, so that's been kind of hard." She put her arm around me and expressed her sympathy. She asked what the exact due date was.  I had to think for a minute. I had tried not to allow myself to set my mind on an exact due date (having your first baby 12 days late will teach you the great flaw in setting your heart on a due date when you know you don't want to be induced). "Today" I said. March 6th was the due date that my midwife had given me. Wow. That sunk in as I said it out loud. Today I would be 40 weeks pregnant if I hadn't lost my baby. I have been trying to process this all day and all week. How should I feel about this? Should I be more sad than I am? Should I not be as sad as I am? I'm not sure. I know there isn't a "right" way for me to be feeling. It is what it is. Instead of being 40 weeks, I am almost 9 weeks. Being pregnant again dose help to ease the pain, but it doesn't take it away. It helps me to feel hopeful and not self pity. I wouldn't usually tell people so early on in a pregnancy but I have decided if I lost this baby, I would probably post about it on my blog anyways. The idea of waiting until you are in the second trimester to tell people  you are pregnant has lost its meaning for me.

My Birthday

So, my Birthday was a little ways back (January 17th to be exact) but I am just getting around to posting about it. It was such a wonderful Birthday and I am grateful for those who made is so special.

First off, the night before, I got to attend the Temple with my Mom and my sisters. It was wonderful and peaceful and I loved that I got to go with them. Then as we were leaving, they surprised me by taking me to Salt Lake for a sleep over. It was so great! Complete with cheese cake, staying up late, lost of laughing and sleeping in. Nate was in on the whole thing and packed a bag for me and got it into the van without me even knowing what was going on. It was so great. Wish I had a picture of us all together there!

 

Then in the evening out little family went bowling and to Café Rio! The kids were really fun to go bowling with. Especially Spencer would get super excited every time a pin got knocked down, even if it was just one. We all cheered loud and high fived and just had a blast! It was one of those super golden evenings where things just go right and everyone gets a long and your heart swells with love for you family. You just get that warm, happy feeling and know this is what life is all about...family!!! I love my family!

 

And the best part...oh ya!

Three strikes for me!

I win!

 

Christmas 2013

So our Christmas celebration was going to include a little get a way trip for me and Nate that he so lovingly planed and surprised me with! My sisters and my mom offered to help out with the kids! So we drove just over 2 1/2 hours through a snow storm to drop the kids off at my sisters house. Just as we are pulling unto their house, I look back at Kaitlin and she throws up all over!!! Yikes! So I get her all cleaned up and we finally decided we should just head back home, not knowing exactly what she was sick with...It was devastating to me and Nate. After all that we have been through this year and all the anticipation and excitement of this trip, it was just devastating. So I was a baby about it for a while...but life just happens and you just have to roll with it. After we got home, Kaitlin seemed just fine. Eating fine, no temperature, nothin...whatever! My Mom and Sister have offered to come to our house in January to watch the kids so we can try our trip again...
Cross your fingers for me!

 

So, we waited a few days to make sure that no one else was going to get sick and then we went up to my parents on the Sunday be for Christmas. We hung out there and had a wonderful time.
We headed back to our house on Christmas Eve night.

 

I was just finishing up a few Christmas things about 11:00 pm when I heard Spencer cry out. I went into his room and then all the sudden, yep, he threw up all over!! What joy! But at least it wasn't in the car, or on the stairs or my bed or the carpet...you gotta look on the bright side of things.

 

Christmas morning he woke up feeling just fine. Weird! Huh? Well, I was grateful, we were able to carry on with all our plans. I sure hope we didn't get Nate's family sick but they all agreed that they wanted us to still come to the family get together. We had a great morning and a great day.

 

Even though it hasn't been the best year for us, it could have been so much worse. We have so much to be grateful for. So much to hope for and so much to keep us happy!

 

Here are some pictures for your viewing delight :)

 

My favorite gifts to give this year were the hats I made.

And the Kitchen I remodeled for Kaitlin, you can see it in the back.

 

 

Spencer was pretty excited about his angry birds hat.

 He calls it his thunder bird hat!

I also made him a red angry bird one.

 

At his request, I mad Nate this Darth Vader Angry bird hat.

 

 

These are the hats I made for my nieces and nephews on Nate's side.

They were a big hit and worth every minute I spent on them! 

Yeah for Christmas and a {mostly} happy post!