Red Barn Fun!

Every year we have been going to the Red Barn to get pumpkins and enjoy the activities. I have to say it is one of my favorite family activities we do all year long! Love it! Nights like that give me such a stronger love for my little family.

 

 

Are those toes I can almost see down there...?

 

 

 

Yes, that is a pumpkin under my shirt...

Yes, someone there told me I would need to pay for it :)

 

Birthday Pictures

So, ya, I'm behind but I figure I better get a few things on here before baby sister is born. Here are some of my favorites from our birthday photo shoot. Love this little monkeys!

 

These are some good looken kids,

even if I do say so myself!

Harrison

So yesterday, September 15th, was the first anniversary of loosing our baby. I really can't believe that it has been a whole year...it has been one heck of a year, for many reasons. I honestly thought that I was going to do fine yesterday but it ended up being a really emotional day for me and for Nate too. The kids were little stinkers on top of all my emotions...but we made it.

{As an update for those who may not know, after we found out we were having a girl, it felt like the right thing to do to give our little boy a name. So we named him Harrison Robert Higbee. Harrison is Nate's Dad's middle name and I have always loved it. Robert is my grandpa's name, who passes away 3 years ago. I feel some how that they know each other up in heaven and I often think of them together.}

So, to honor Harrison, I decided to make and collect things to donate to other families of still born babies and babies in the NICU. It was great for me to spend all my spare time over the last month working on little blankets and gowns. I had several people donate money that I used to get fabric and little jammies A few others donated some cloths, ribbon, bows and little blankets. We took all that stuff and donated it yesterday. That felt good. Then we each got a balloon and took it to the park. We talked for a minute about our baby and then let the balloons go. The kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. They don't really understand too well about what happened but I want them to know about Harrison. I don't want to be the only one that remembers him and thinks about him. I want him to be real and to be a part of our family. I felt like these activities would be a good way to do that.

I have been surprised and grateful at how naming him has helped me to find the peace that I was struggling to have. There is still a little hole in my heart that aches. I think it always will. But I feel at peace thinking of him watching over me from Heaven and to think that I gave him all he needed on this earth.

Happy Birthday my dear Harrison. I hope you know you are loved.

Little Baby

Losing my little boy was one of the hardest personal challenges I have been thorough. I was never sure if his short little time growing inside of me could be counted as coming to earth and getting a body - one of God's major purposes for His children. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was so grateful. We all thought It was a boy! I allowed myself to hope that it was him, coming back to me.

We just had an ultra sound and we are having a girl! Of course we are thrilled to be having a little girl. We will love her with all our hearts. She is healthy and all looks well!

In some ways, it has been like losing my little boy all over again. I had really hoped it was him. I am having to work though new and resurfacing emotions. There are so many questions. So many things I don't know and that I don't understand. Was there really a spirit connected with his tiny body? Will I get him again in this life? Will I ever have him at all? So many things I just don't know. The older I get the more I don't know! BUT here is what I DO know for sure.  I know that God is in His Heaven. I know He loves His children. I know He is aware of little old me and that He has a plan for me. I have felt His presence and of this love over and over again undeniably though out my life, in many different ways. I know He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die for me and all of us. I know through Them, all our deepest wounds can be healed. All that is unfair about life will be made right. I know very little, but this I KNOW, I can trust in my loving Heavenly Father.

So here is to headbands and frills, to pink and lace.
Can't wait to meet you sweet baby girl!

Well, here I am at 20 weeks. Feeling pretty good. Some crazy pains and aches put nothing too bad. Morning sickness is long gone but I still need to eat regularly or I feel sick. I am feeling the baby move regularly now and that is the best feeling ever! Every tiny movement is a gift from heaven. It always felt like Spencer was playing soccer inside of me. Kaitlin was doing tumbling...this little one is more of a yoga baby. I like that.

I had pretty bad anxiety for a while there, especially in my 15th week as you can imagine. Since then it has gotten a little better each week. But the worry and fear is always there, in the back (or sometimes front) of my mind. I know that there is never a "safe" point in pregnancy or in life really. Life is fragile and precious. Each day, each moment is a gift. At any moment we could lose someone we love.  I have come to learn that we are all in God's hands. No one enters or leaves this world without His permission. He has a perfect plan for all of us and the only thing we can do is just trust in Him and His perfect plan.

Hopefully we will get an ultra sound soon and I will post if it's a boy or girl.

My due date

A friend asked me how I was doing today. I am sure she was just generally asking how I was but the words lept out of me, a longing to share my burden..."My baby was due this week, so that's been kind of hard." She put her arm around me and expressed her sympathy. She asked what the exact due date was.  I had to think for a minute. I had tried not to allow myself to set my mind on an exact due date (having your first baby 12 days late will teach you the great flaw in setting your heart on a due date when you know you don't want to be induced). "Today" I said. March 6th was the due date that my midwife had given me. Wow. That sunk in as I said it out loud. Today I would be 40 weeks pregnant if I hadn't lost my baby. I have been trying to process this all day and all week. How should I feel about this? Should I be more sad than I am? Should I not be as sad as I am? I'm not sure. I know there isn't a "right" way for me to be feeling. It is what it is. Instead of being 40 weeks, I am almost 9 weeks. Being pregnant again dose help to ease the pain, but it doesn't take it away. It helps me to feel hopeful and not self pity. I wouldn't usually tell people so early on in a pregnancy but I have decided if I lost this baby, I would probably post about it on my blog anyways. The idea of waiting until you are in the second trimester to tell people  you are pregnant has lost its meaning for me.

My Birthday

So, my Birthday was a little ways back (January 17th to be exact) but I am just getting around to posting about it. It was such a wonderful Birthday and I am grateful for those who made is so special.

First off, the night before, I got to attend the Temple with my Mom and my sisters. It was wonderful and peaceful and I loved that I got to go with them. Then as we were leaving, they surprised me by taking me to Salt Lake for a sleep over. It was so great! Complete with cheese cake, staying up late, lost of laughing and sleeping in. Nate was in on the whole thing and packed a bag for me and got it into the van without me even knowing what was going on. It was so great. Wish I had a picture of us all together there!

 

Then in the evening out little family went bowling and to Café Rio! The kids were really fun to go bowling with. Especially Spencer would get super excited every time a pin got knocked down, even if it was just one. We all cheered loud and high fived and just had a blast! It was one of those super golden evenings where things just go right and everyone gets a long and your heart swells with love for you family. You just get that warm, happy feeling and know this is what life is all about...family!!! I love my family!

 

And the best part...oh ya!

Three strikes for me!

I win!