Update

I have been thinking for quite some time now about how to update my blog. First I should say posting about losing my baby was really hard for me to do. I am kind of...ok, a really private person. I posted and unposted my story about 4 times trying to make up my  mind if I really should do it...How could I share with others something so personal and...well, I don't know what my exact hang up is. I like to talk to others about personal things but I always feel so funny to offer them up unless  someone asks me about it. But even while I while I was in the hospital, delivering my baby, I had the impression and felt strongly that I had to write it all down and share it with people. So I did. It's been a blessing though because I have received cards, calls and messaged from many of you that I probably wouldn't have otherwise and I just can't express how much that means to me.

So, how do I update? Do I post pictures of my kids and tell you how wonderful Halloween and Thanksgiving were and how excited we all are for Christmas? Well, Halloween was a blast and Thanksgiving was wonderful and we are all very excited about Christmas. But the past 3 months have been really hard for me. Losing a baby really sucks. I have been through so many different emotions, anger, fear, heartache, confusion and guilt to name a few. I have learned much and cried like a baby an untold number of times. But I have grown much and felt much peace and love. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. By this I mean the world of grief and deep hurt. I know my pain is small in comparison with what others have suffered and are suffering through. But now I get it, at least in part, like I just couldn't before. I am so much more aware of what it means to "mourn with those that mourn". I am grateful for that but I wish that knowledge could have come in some other way...but I know it couldn't have.

So, how am I really three months later? I have such a hard time knowing how to answer that question. I think I am doing pretty good actually. I feel like I have been able to handle things pretty well and heal in (mostly) healthy ways. I don't cry like a baby every day now. I function and do all that I need to. I feel at peace that this was in God's plan for me. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed. I haven't withdrawn inside myself and shut others out (although I have had to work hard to fight against these natural man urges). But I do hesitate to tell people I am good or okay because I am still hurting inside. I still cry nearly every day, although some days it's only a little tear or two. I long to have that baby back, safely inside of me. I long to have that big, uncomfortable tummy I was supposed to have through the holidays. I still hurt. I feel like if I say I am okay, people will think I don't need to be asked anymore how I really am. But when asked how I am, I generally put on a smile and do say "I am okay". I don't know what else to do. But I long to talk about my baby and my experience. I long to be asked how I am really feeling.

If you are reading this, I would like to ask a favor of you. I would ask that you think about those close to you who you know are grieving. Even if they lost someone years ago. Assume that the Holiday season will be hard for them. Assume that they are still hurting. Know that they will never forget who they lost. Call them, visit them, send them a card, give them a hug and tell them you are thinking about them.

Again, this is filled with some of my very personal thoughts, it took me about a week to decide if I should post it. I posted and un posted it several times :) But here it is. Please find someone who you can bring cheer to this Christmas Season.

Happy Birthday Kaitlin

My sweet little girl turned 2!

What a joy she is to us!

 

Another September Baby

I started getting sick Wednesday night, September 11th. I had just had a check up with my Midwife earlier that day. I was 15 weeks along and my baby's heart beat was strong and all was well. When I went to bed I was shaking with the chills but didn't think too much about it. I woke up around 2:30 in the morning and could not stop shaking. I went out on the couch, drank something warm and curled up in a blanket. I threw up around 3:30 and then was able to sleep for the rest of the night.

On Thursday, the 12th, I woke up feeling weak and so hot! My husband stayed home from work to take care of me. I slept a lot and ate and drank little.

On Friday, my husband stayed home in the morning and then went in for half a day of work. I felt like I was on the mend.

On Saturday I was feeling quite a bit improved but still weak and tired. My stomach hurt and some undesirable affects of the flu were lingering. My husband hadn't been feeling to great through this all but he held things together and took care of me and the kids, even though it was hard. I went to a Relief Society activity at the church even though I was weak and tired. I was mostly over the flu. While I was there I felt my stomach pains go lower and into my back.

I got home about 3:00 and just laid on the couch. It finally hit me that these stomach pains might be contractions. I didn't think you could feel contractions this early on. They were not braxton hicks contractions. They were strong and I had to breathe through them. I contacted my midwife. She said it sounded like I was dehydrated. That can cause the uterus to contract. That sounded right. So I went to the health food store and got some cat nip tea that she recommended. I drank a quart of it and went to bed early, sure that by morning all would be "normal" again.

Sunday morning came and things were anything but "normal".  I was still contracting every 5 minutes or so. My house was a mess, we were all tired and grumpy. I wasn't sure how we were going to keep this up.

My husband was worried. I still was not too worried about the baby but began to wonder if I should be. I thought my baby would be just fine. I thought that even thought I was sick, my body knew how to take care of my baby. My husband had been in contact with my sister and two sister in laws. None of them saw any need to worry too much. But he wanted to call a nurse hotline. He talked to them and then they talked to me. They thought I should contact a doctor right away. I thought they were probable over reacting. I decided I would call my midwife again if the contractions didn't stop soon. I hated to keep bugging her and especially on a Sunday.

My husband wisely ordered me to bed around noon where I lay sipping on another quart of cat nip tea. After about 30 minutes of laying down I felt something, something wasn't right. Something was coming out of me. I got to the bathroom as quick as I could. I felt something bulge and pop and come out of me. I screamed for my husband. I thought I was going to look down in the toilet and see my baby. I screamed again for him. I yelled something about the baby, I can't remember what I said or exactly what happened as I was in the bathroom. My husband ran in and saw my panic and immediately called 911. There was no blood. There was never any blood. And there was no baby in the toilet. Just stringy mucus of some sort. I was freaking out for a few minutes at this point. I didn't know what just came out of me but I knew it wasn't right. Then all of the sudden, I remembered. I remembered that I could trust My Heavenly Father and that He would help me through anything that may happen. So I just kept repeating to myself, "It's okay, it's okay. You can trust Him. No matter what happens, it will be okay, you can trust Him." I just kept talking to myself and saying that over and over as I laid back on the bed and waited for the paramedics to get there. It took no more than 5 minutes from the time that my husband made the call. 

Everything after this was very dream-like and strange. There was an ambulance outside out house. My house?! There were paramedics in my room, poking my finger, taking my blood pressure and asking me questions. Then they were putting me on a chair to carry me down all our stairs. Concerned neighbors were watching me like a parade as I was loaded onto a stretcher. I was in an ambulance. I was getting an I.V. Everyone was so calm. Then we were in the emergency room.

My husband got someone to stay with the kids and drove over and meet me there. It seemed like we were anything but an emergency. Everything took so long. We waited and waited for an ultra sound first. There was a heartbeat. The baby was alive! I felt such joy and hope. he was measuring 16 weeks and a few days. But there was little to no amniotic fluid. A baby cannot live without fluid. But I knew that fluid levels could go up and down. I had heard of people having low fluid levels and getting it back up. I had heard of sacks tearing and then repairing themselves. My baby was alive. His heart was beating! But things were still unsure.

Back to our little waiting room we went. To wait more for a doctor to look at the ultra sound and tell us what he thought. They said it would be about a half hour, so of course it was more like an hour. Waiting, waiting. I just wanted to know. One way or the other, I just wanted to know!

Finally another doctor came in to talk to us about the results of the ultra sound. The sack was broken. There was no sack. No fluid. Nothing for my baby. Nothing. This doctor did a vaginal exam too. He was not very gentle. He said the umbilical cord was coming out.  There was no hope, no chance. The baby would have to be delivered. My baby, whose heat was just beating, would have to die.

More and more waiting. Finally a nurse came in. They gave me some morphine for my terrible headache and to help with the contractions. But there was nothing that helped with the contractions. I felt every one. But it did take my headache away and help me relax.
I remember looking at the clock. It was 5:00 pm. They brought in some little blue pills. They were to help me have more contractions. They were to help my baby come out. That was it. That was the end. I felt that as I took them I was killing my baby. Every last ounce of hope that I had clung to left as I swallowed those little, blue pills. I took them and then I cried and cried.

They had told me at 4:30 that it would be no more than 15 minutes until I was up in a room in Labor and Delivery. So of course they got me up to the room around 6:00. They got me all settled in and my angle nurse introduced herself. She was so calm. She was so kind. She was my angle.

So we waited more. I slept very comfortable in between contractions and felt strangely at peace. I knew that I would be okay somehow. Then I woke just before 9:00 pm. I rolled over from my side onto my back. My nurse walked in the room just as I felt something slid out of me. Smooth and gentle and warm, my baby was born. Just like that. No pushing or discomfort.

The nurse held him first and I just looked at him, my husband by my side. Then I got up the courage to hold my little, sweet baby. My baby boy. So small. 3 ounces, 6 inches long. So red. Perfect toes and fingers. Cute little nose. So still. So peaceful. It all felt so peaceful.

After a while the doctor came in and gave me some more of those stupid, little, blue pills to try and help the placenta come out. We did some more waiting. That placenta was holding on strong. There was still no blood. After about an hour the contractions were getting really strong and they were one right on top of the other. They were not letting up. This is when my sisters got there. They drove from nearly 2 hours to be with me. But I was in so much pain that I didn't really do more than squeeze their hands.

They finally decided to take me in for a D and C. What a mercy that was! I was in so much pain, it was such a relief to be put under. When I woke up there was no more pain. I was in a quiet, peaceful room, just me and my baby. He was now wrapped in a soft, little blue blanket. The nurse came in and told me that while I had been asleep another kind angle, a hospital volunteer, came and did foot and hand prints of my baby. As well as little molds of his hands and feet. She left them in a sweet and tiny little box for me. I felt terrible that I didn't get to see her and thank her.

Then the nurse brought my baby to me. I held my tiny, little, blue bundle on my chest for a long, long time. I just held him. I talked to him. I tried to sing to him but my shaky voice couldn't do it. Only tears would come. I held him for a long time. I fell asleep with him on my chest.

When I woke up I called for the nurse to come get him and then I tried to sleep some more. I was at peace there in that room, just me and my baby on a table next to me. I was at peace and I slept.

I woke early that Monday morning. I waited for my husband to come back and take me home. He came around 8:00. The nurse checked us out and I said good bye to my baby. I knew I would see him again. I knew he wasn't gone forever. It just wasn't his time yet. So it wasn't too hard to leave him there at the hospital. It was just a body. His spirit was safe and I didn't need to worry.

My husband and I both cried all the way home. I was so happy to see my two little children waiting for me. They are my little saviors. My reasons to keep going.  I melted into my Mom's arms who had been there to stay with my kids. She was also another angle sent to help me through this whole thing.

So now here we are. Trying to live one day at a time. Trying to be normal, whatever normal is, I don't know. We have received an out pouring of love and help. More angles here on earth, helping us through our sorrow. Many have dropped off dinner or taken the kids. Some have sent flowers and made phone calls and sent messages of love. I have felt strengthened knowing that so many people are praying for us. I am so grateful for all that everyone has done. My burden has been eased by the love I have felt.

I also feel that my loving Heavenly Father helped to prepare me for this through a book that I have been reading for the last several months. It's called The Gift of Giving Life. It has shifted my perspective on so many things and in so many ways. There are many essays in the book and many women share their stories on life and birth and death and many things. I have learned much and felt much as I read it. It helped me to think about miscarriage and shifted my views on it. Of course I didn't know before that I was going to lose my baby but I knew that if I did, I would be okay. I knew it would be hard still but I knew it would be okay. And I am okay. My heart hurts right now like it rarely ever has but I know that I will be okay. I know that a loving Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my life. I know that He doesn't make mistakes. I know that I will not pass through any sorrow that will not be for my benefit and growth. I trust that my baby will come again. I feel that strongly. I have not lost him. I just have to wait and be patient until he comes to me again.

But this still hurts. It hurts bad. Just when I was getting over the first trimester yuckiness. Just when I was starting to tell people. Just when I was about to post about the pregnancy on my blog. Just when I was really starting to show. Just as I was getting excited to start feeling my baby move and kick inside of me...it's all over. Just like that. It's hard to come home and see all the maternity clothes I was getting ready to wear. It's hard to erase the numbers on the calendar that would tell how many weeks along I would be with each passing day. It's hard to know that I was taking the best and most expensive supplements and I even gave up refined sugar and flower, all for this tiny little creature that I already loved so deeply.

I know that even though this hurts, many have and are passing through much, much greater sorrows. Some that will not get better with time. I am grateful that I was not farther along or full term. And while that doesn't comfort everyone to think like that, it helps me to put my sorrow into perspective and keep my chin up.

What was the cause of this miscarriage, or still birth as the hospital termed it? I don't know. I wasn't drinking enough. I didn't rest enough. I should have called my midwife sooner. I should have called a doctor sooner. I should have eaten more. I should have taken more care not to get sick. I should have done something different or better. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. I might actually feel worse if I knew the cause, if it was something I did. As much as it hurts, I feel that this was just Gods plan. It was just meant to be. I don't know that things would have turned out any differently no matter what I did or didn't do. My husband told me that when we were waiting for the paramedics to show up he started towards me to give me a blessing that the baby would be fine, but he didn't feel like that was the right thing to do and he turned back around. If God wants a baby to live and be born, they will. If it is not time yet, or not meant to be, it won't happen. I believe in that with all my heart. I don't think this was a mistake. If God had wanted by baby to live, He could have made it happen. I don't know why my baby had to die but I find peace in knowing that someday, I will know.

Since this was God's will, I know that He will be with me, to help me through. I have that promise from Him. I have felt His presence very strongly. I know that He knows me. I know he is aware of my pain. He counts my tears. He will not leave me alone. I also believe and have felt that the very angles of Heaven are with me. They bring comfort and peace. I feel strength in knowing that.

I am grateful for what I have learned about the sacrifice and atonement of the Savior as I went through this pregnancy and miscarriage. The only way that a spirit can enter into this life is through the body of a woman. That is the only way. There is no other way for life to enter this world. The only way for us to go back into the presence of our Heavenly Father is by joining ourselves to Christ. By accepting His sacrifice and doing our best to keep His commandments we can be forgiven of our mistakes. That is the only way. Only one way into this life and only one way back to the Fathers presence. Our Savoir suffered for all of us. He felt our pains and sorrows and knows our hearts. He suffered for those who would accept His sacrifice and follow Him. He suffered for all those that would not accept His sacrifice. Some women sacrifice during pregnancy and labor and are rewarded with a healthy, pink baby. Some sacrifice and are left with empty arms in the end. But no sacrifice is without meaning and purpose. It all serves a purpose in the end. This experience had given me a deeper love and appreciation from my Savior. It has given me a deeper desire to try to be a better person and to try harder to do all that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have asked of me. If Christ could suffer so much for me, I can also do this little bit of suffering.

I don't need anyone to give my advice or try to say words of comfort. I don't want to hear that I am still young and can try again. That doesn't really make me feel better. All I need is a hug, an I love you, I'm sorry, I'm here for you. That will do. I will be okay. I know each day and week will bring more peace and healing. The day will come when I will have the courage to try to bring this baby into the world again. I pray for the faith and strength to try again. I am scared that I will miscarry again. But I know that it's all in God's hands and I pray I will have the strength to endure whatever comes in my future and to put my trust in Him. Knowing I can trust in Him is the main thing that keeps me going.

So my sweet baby, I say to you, I love you. I am sorry and I hope you didn't suffer. My heart and arms will ache for you until the day we can finally be together. 

Exciting News!!

We have a 4 year old in the house!!

We are all pretty excited to have recently celebrated Spencer's 4th Birthday. How does the time pass so quickly? He is such a smart and fun little boy. He teaches me daily what life is really all about. I am a blessed mother to have this little one as my son!

So we went out and took some pictures. It was crazy hard to get a picture of this little cutie smiling AND looking at the camera...nearly impossible! I did get one or two I think that we might be able to hang on the wall.

 

 

Is he cute or what?!!!

So after about 2 months of my blog not letting me post, my wonderful, awesome, amazing, brilliantly smart husband figured out the problem and now I am back in business! Yea! Here is a little picture of our family that was taken in June by my dear friend Allie. More posts will follow.

Well, I figured it was about time for an update.

Here are a few pictures from our family Easter egg hunt.

 

I sure do love this guy!

 

 

Here are our cute little kids on Easter morning.

It is pretty hard for this little guys to stay still but he did a good job.

 He is a little stud!

 

It's nearly impossible for Kaitlin to hold still AND

look and the camera at the same time.

This was as good as it got :)

I had a great time making this little dress for her.

I always dreamed about making dresses for my little girls

 and it was so fun to finally be able to do that.

 

Sweet little Kaitlin is slowly turning into a two year old and learning how to be sassy and throw a fit. She has started to say things like "give it to me NOW" and "it's MINE" and fun things like that!

But she still has me wrapped around her little finger. How I love my girl.

Lately she will ask me to wrap her up in a blanket and then say "carry me". Then she will just let me sit and hold her while I rock and/or sing to her. How could I resist that?! Needless to say, I drop what ever I am doing and comply!

 

She loves "doing dishes" aka getting water all over the kitchen!

 

 

Love that cheesy smile!

 

 

We are so so so happy that Spencer is finally all the way potty trained!

It has been wonderful. He just needed a little sticker chart to motivate him and he has hardly had any problems since then. Here he is showing off one of his prizes for filling up a row of stickers on his chart.

 

We have been babysitting a little boy a few times a week and him and Spencer sure have fun together. He is such a  sweet boy and we all love him. As long as they are getting along (they usually do) it is a big help to me to have him over. They just play and play.

 

So there is the exciting update on how things are going at the Higbee home!

Disneyland!!!

Warning: This is really long with a lot of pictures. Feel free to skim through. And I am sure there are lots of grammatical mistakes, sorry.

Well it is about time that someone did an update on this blog, my goodness! I know you have all been checking daily, right? Well, today is the day, wait no more. And this post is really exciting because it is about DISNEYLAND! Maybe you don't know, but I just happen to LOVE Disneyland! I {finally} talked Nate into going! My mom came along to to help out with the kids. She was amazingly helpful (as she always is) and because she was there we were able to have so much more fun than we would have been able to with out her!

We drove down on a Tuesday (the kids did really well in the car!!) and had three day hopper tickets and drove home Saturday. We stayed in a sweet little place called Eden Roc...lets just say, you get what you pay for and this was the cheapest place I could find. But it did the job! It had two rooms so we could put the kids to bed at night and still be up ourselves (and so when they woke up just before the butt crack of dawn, I could go in the room with them and let my Mom and Nate get some more sleep).

So here are some pictures and some highlights of the trip (they are a little out or order but oh well).

Fist let me just say I didn't want to carry around my nice dslr camera so I just brought my point and shoot :( The quality of pictures was terrible and I was so sad about it. I guess it's harder than I thought to go back to a point and shoot after the camera I am used to. So I started taking some pictures with my iPod and they did a little better {some of the time}. But oh well, next time I will make the sacrifice I think and carry around a big heavy camera, at least for one of the days.

Oh, another disclaimer: it is so stinken hard to get my kids to look at the camera and stay looking at the camera until the picture is taken. And getting them both to look at the same time proved to be impossible!!! But oh well...
Ok, now, on with the show...

In front of our hotel room, all ready to go on the first day!

 



Waiting to go in!

 





When I see this sign my little girl heart leaps with joy! Let's be honest, this trip was for me. The kids won't remember it. Nate likes Disneyland alright but wouldn't go if I didn't want to so badly. I love Disneyland and I turn back into a 6 year old girl when I am there! (My first time is when I was 6)

 



 Our first ride was the Toy Story one. We all loved it!

 

Literally 30 minutes into the fun, what does Kaitlin do? Yep...crashed!

{There was a great lack of sleep for her and Spencer on this trip}

It actually worked out nicely that she took a pretty good nap each day

while I held her or when we pushed her around in the stroller.

 

Love that smile!

 

Loven the bumper cars in bug's land!

 

 

 

Did I mention how awesome, beautiful and wonderful my Mom is?! It was so wonderful to have her with us. Not just because she was such a help with the kids but because she is just such a fun person to be with. Love her!

 

Buzz Ride!!

Sad this didn't turn out...silly camera :(  

 

Then Kaitlin wanted to pose...I didn't move quick enough and by the time I got down on her level she had moved on so this is what I got :)

 

We took turns riding by Spencer or staying off a ride that Kaitlin couldn't go on. I got to go with Spencer on the Buzz ride. I think he cried and screamed the whole time. About 30 seconds into it he said "I'm never gonna go on this ride again!" But Nate talked him into a second time and he did love it.

 

 

As long as a ride was moving Kaitlin loved it. She hates to be still! They were both pretty brave. The Buzz ride was the only one Spencer was a little scared on. All the rest he did really well. He went on Splash Mountain twice in a row (I couldn't believe that one!) and he loved Star Tours. 

 

 

This is as close as it gets to a picture of them together smiling. 

 

They both loved the train rides. We were waiting and waiting to get on the Casey Jr. ride and we were going to be the last ones to be able to get on the train but it turned out there wasn't enough room. So we had to wait for the train to go around one more time. Spencer just fell down on the ground crying and said something like "We are never, ever gonna get to go on this ride..." Poor kid. Waiting in line is hard when you are 3 or 30 for that matter :) Most rides we waited 15 min or less for. Some 20 but only one or two we waited for 30 min.

 

At the end of the first day, Nate took the kids back to the hotel and me and my Mom got to stay and do some rides. It was so fun to be with her and relax a little too. This is us on Space Mountain!

 

Nate said that when they got back to the hotel Spencer was so tired he just laid on the bed. He said "Today was hard...I didn't like it". Silly kid!

 

 

We rode the train around 1 1/2 times!

 

Enjoying a treat after splash mountain... 

 

while Kate takes a nap. 

 

They love anything that has to do with water!

 

Love this picture

 

My Mom took the kids back to go to go to bed the other two nights and Nate and I got to have some time together. It was great. My mom said that one of the nights when we got back, Spencer said, just after he laid down, totally wiped out from another long day, "I hope I had a good time today..." 

 

Me and my handsome man! Sure love him!

 

These pictures were totally for me, I just took

Kaitlin along so I wouldn't look (as) silly.

 

Nate kept teasing Spencer about getting a kiss from a princess while we were there and so he was a little hesitant to be in a picture but I talked him into it.

The kids were grumpy the whole time on and off but not too bad. Kaitlin was tired and grumpy during these pictures and I told Snow I was sorry and she said something like, "that's okay, my friend Grumpy feels that way sometimes too". Very cleaver Snow... 

 

All in all we had a wonderful time! The kids did as well as could be expected and everyone stayed in good health pretty much while we were there. The weather was amazing and I even got a little burnt! It was a great time!

 

Then on the way home...Kaitlin threw up twice :( She is still sick today, on day 6 of this sickness. I am actually kind of worried about her. I was sick for a few days but never very bad. Just body aches and nausea. Spencer started throwing up on Tuesday night and I think he is now on the mend. Sigh...I am sad they are sick but glad they did it when our trip was over.

 

Sorry, this is so long but I hope you enjoyed hearing all about the trip!