I have been thinking for quite some time now about how to update my blog. First I should say posting about losing my baby was really hard for me to do. I am kind of...ok, a really private person. I posted and unposted my story about 4 times trying to make up my mind if I really should do it...How could I share with others something so personal and...well, I don't know what my exact hang up is. I like to talk to others about personal things but I always feel so funny to offer them up unless someone asks me about it. But even while I while I was in the hospital, delivering my baby, I had the impression and felt strongly that I had to write it all down and share it with people. So I did. It's been a blessing though because I have received cards, calls and messaged from many of you that I probably wouldn't have otherwise and I just can't express how much that means to me.
So, how do I update? Do I post pictures of my kids and tell you how wonderful Halloween and Thanksgiving were and how excited we all are for Christmas? Well, Halloween was a blast and Thanksgiving was wonderful and we are all very excited about Christmas. But the past 3 months have been really hard for me. Losing a baby really sucks. I have been through so many different emotions, anger, fear, heartache, confusion and guilt to name a few. I have learned much and cried like a baby an untold number of times. But I have grown much and felt much peace and love. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. By this I mean the world of grief and deep hurt. I know my pain is small in comparison with what others have suffered and are suffering through. But now I get it, at least in part, like I just couldn't before. I am so much more aware of what it means to "mourn with those that mourn". I am grateful for that but I wish that knowledge could have come in some other way...but I know it couldn't have.
So, how am I really three months later? I have such a hard time knowing how to answer that question. I think I am doing pretty good actually. I feel like I have been able to handle things pretty well and heal in (mostly) healthy ways. I don't cry like a baby every day now. I function and do all that I need to. I feel at peace that this was in God's plan for me. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed. I haven't withdrawn inside myself and shut others out (although I have had to work hard to fight against these natural man urges). But I do hesitate to tell people I am good or okay because I am still hurting inside. I still cry nearly every day, although some days it's only a little tear or two. I long to have that baby back, safely inside of me. I long to have that big, uncomfortable tummy I was supposed to have through the holidays. I still hurt. I feel like if I say I am okay, people will think I don't need to be asked anymore how I really am. But when asked how I am, I generally put on a smile and do say "I am okay". I don't know what else to do. But I long to talk about my baby and my experience. I long to be asked how I am really feeling.
If you are reading this, I would like to ask a favor of you. I would ask that you think about those close to you who you know are grieving. Even if they lost someone years ago. Assume that the Holiday season will be hard for them. Assume that they are still hurting. Know that they will never forget who they lost. Call them, visit them, send them a card, give them a hug and tell them you are thinking about them.
Again, this is filled with some of my very personal thoughts, it took me about a week to decide if I should post it. I posted and un posted it several times :) But here it is. Please find someone who you can bring cheer to this Christmas Season.