Harrison

So yesterday, September 15th, was the first anniversary of loosing our baby. I really can't believe that it has been a whole year...it has been one heck of a year, for many reasons. I honestly thought that I was going to do fine yesterday but it ended up being a really emotional day for me and for Nate too. The kids were little stinkers on top of all my emotions...but we made it.

{As an update for those who may not know, after we found out we were having a girl, it felt like the right thing to do to give our little boy a name. So we named him Harrison Robert Higbee. Harrison is Nate's Dad's middle name and I have always loved it. Robert is my grandpa's name, who passes away 3 years ago. I feel some how that they know each other up in heaven and I often think of them together.}

So, to honor Harrison, I decided to make and collect things to donate to other families of still born babies and babies in the NICU. It was great for me to spend all my spare time over the last month working on little blankets and gowns. I had several people donate money that I used to get fabric and little jammies A few others donated some cloths, ribbon, bows and little blankets. We took all that stuff and donated it yesterday. That felt good. Then we each got a balloon and took it to the park. We talked for a minute about our baby and then let the balloons go. The kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. They don't really understand too well about what happened but I want them to know about Harrison. I don't want to be the only one that remembers him and thinks about him. I want him to be real and to be a part of our family. I felt like these activities would be a good way to do that.

I have been surprised and grateful at how naming him has helped me to find the peace that I was struggling to have. There is still a little hole in my heart that aches. I think it always will. But I feel at peace thinking of him watching over me from Heaven and to think that I gave him all he needed on this earth.

Happy Birthday my dear Harrison. I hope you know you are loved.

Little Baby

Losing my little boy was one of the hardest personal challenges I have been thorough. I was never sure if his short little time growing inside of me could be counted as coming to earth and getting a body - one of God's major purposes for His children. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was so grateful. We all thought It was a boy! I allowed myself to hope that it was him, coming back to me.

We just had an ultra sound and we are having a girl! Of course we are thrilled to be having a little girl. We will love her with all our hearts. She is healthy and all looks well!

In some ways, it has been like losing my little boy all over again. I had really hoped it was him. I am having to work though new and resurfacing emotions. There are so many questions. So many things I don't know and that I don't understand. Was there really a spirit connected with his tiny body? Will I get him again in this life? Will I ever have him at all? So many things I just don't know. The older I get the more I don't know! BUT here is what I DO know for sure.  I know that God is in His Heaven. I know He loves His children. I know He is aware of little old me and that He has a plan for me. I have felt His presence and of this love over and over again undeniably though out my life, in many different ways. I know He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die for me and all of us. I know through Them, all our deepest wounds can be healed. All that is unfair about life will be made right. I know very little, but this I KNOW, I can trust in my loving Heavenly Father.

So here is to headbands and frills, to pink and lace.
Can't wait to meet you sweet baby girl!

Well, here I am at 20 weeks. Feeling pretty good. Some crazy pains and aches put nothing too bad. Morning sickness is long gone but I still need to eat regularly or I feel sick. I am feeling the baby move regularly now and that is the best feeling ever! Every tiny movement is a gift from heaven. It always felt like Spencer was playing soccer inside of me. Kaitlin was doing tumbling...this little one is more of a yoga baby. I like that.

I had pretty bad anxiety for a while there, especially in my 15th week as you can imagine. Since then it has gotten a little better each week. But the worry and fear is always there, in the back (or sometimes front) of my mind. I know that there is never a "safe" point in pregnancy or in life really. Life is fragile and precious. Each day, each moment is a gift. At any moment we could lose someone we love.  I have come to learn that we are all in God's hands. No one enters or leaves this world without His permission. He has a perfect plan for all of us and the only thing we can do is just trust in Him and His perfect plan.

Hopefully we will get an ultra sound soon and I will post if it's a boy or girl.

My due date

A friend asked me how I was doing today. I am sure she was just generally asking how I was but the words lept out of me, a longing to share my burden..."My baby was due this week, so that's been kind of hard." She put her arm around me and expressed her sympathy. She asked what the exact due date was.  I had to think for a minute. I had tried not to allow myself to set my mind on an exact due date (having your first baby 12 days late will teach you the great flaw in setting your heart on a due date when you know you don't want to be induced). "Today" I said. March 6th was the due date that my midwife had given me. Wow. That sunk in as I said it out loud. Today I would be 40 weeks pregnant if I hadn't lost my baby. I have been trying to process this all day and all week. How should I feel about this? Should I be more sad than I am? Should I not be as sad as I am? I'm not sure. I know there isn't a "right" way for me to be feeling. It is what it is. Instead of being 40 weeks, I am almost 9 weeks. Being pregnant again dose help to ease the pain, but it doesn't take it away. It helps me to feel hopeful and not self pity. I wouldn't usually tell people so early on in a pregnancy but I have decided if I lost this baby, I would probably post about it on my blog anyways. The idea of waiting until you are in the second trimester to tell people  you are pregnant has lost its meaning for me.

My Birthday

So, my Birthday was a little ways back (January 17th to be exact) but I am just getting around to posting about it. It was such a wonderful Birthday and I am grateful for those who made is so special.

First off, the night before, I got to attend the Temple with my Mom and my sisters. It was wonderful and peaceful and I loved that I got to go with them. Then as we were leaving, they surprised me by taking me to Salt Lake for a sleep over. It was so great! Complete with cheese cake, staying up late, lost of laughing and sleeping in. Nate was in on the whole thing and packed a bag for me and got it into the van without me even knowing what was going on. It was so great. Wish I had a picture of us all together there!

 

Then in the evening out little family went bowling and to Café Rio! The kids were really fun to go bowling with. Especially Spencer would get super excited every time a pin got knocked down, even if it was just one. We all cheered loud and high fived and just had a blast! It was one of those super golden evenings where things just go right and everyone gets a long and your heart swells with love for you family. You just get that warm, happy feeling and know this is what life is all about...family!!! I love my family!

 

And the best part...oh ya!

Three strikes for me!

I win!

 

Christmas 2013

So our Christmas celebration was going to include a little get a way trip for me and Nate that he so lovingly planed and surprised me with! My sisters and my mom offered to help out with the kids! So we drove just over 2 1/2 hours through a snow storm to drop the kids off at my sisters house. Just as we are pulling unto their house, I look back at Kaitlin and she throws up all over!!! Yikes! So I get her all cleaned up and we finally decided we should just head back home, not knowing exactly what she was sick with...It was devastating to me and Nate. After all that we have been through this year and all the anticipation and excitement of this trip, it was just devastating. So I was a baby about it for a while...but life just happens and you just have to roll with it. After we got home, Kaitlin seemed just fine. Eating fine, no temperature, nothin...whatever! My Mom and Sister have offered to come to our house in January to watch the kids so we can try our trip again...
Cross your fingers for me!

 

So, we waited a few days to make sure that no one else was going to get sick and then we went up to my parents on the Sunday be for Christmas. We hung out there and had a wonderful time.
We headed back to our house on Christmas Eve night.

 

I was just finishing up a few Christmas things about 11:00 pm when I heard Spencer cry out. I went into his room and then all the sudden, yep, he threw up all over!! What joy! But at least it wasn't in the car, or on the stairs or my bed or the carpet...you gotta look on the bright side of things.

 

Christmas morning he woke up feeling just fine. Weird! Huh? Well, I was grateful, we were able to carry on with all our plans. I sure hope we didn't get Nate's family sick but they all agreed that they wanted us to still come to the family get together. We had a great morning and a great day.

 

Even though it hasn't been the best year for us, it could have been so much worse. We have so much to be grateful for. So much to hope for and so much to keep us happy!

 

Here are some pictures for your viewing delight :)

 

My favorite gifts to give this year were the hats I made.

And the Kitchen I remodeled for Kaitlin, you can see it in the back.

 

 

Spencer was pretty excited about his angry birds hat.

 He calls it his thunder bird hat!

I also made him a red angry bird one.

 

At his request, I mad Nate this Darth Vader Angry bird hat.

 

 

These are the hats I made for my nieces and nephews on Nate's side.

They were a big hit and worth every minute I spent on them! 

Yeah for Christmas and a {mostly} happy post!

Update

I have been thinking for quite some time now about how to update my blog. First I should say posting about losing my baby was really hard for me to do. I am kind of...ok, a really private person. I posted and unposted my story about 4 times trying to make up my  mind if I really should do it...How could I share with others something so personal and...well, I don't know what my exact hang up is. I like to talk to others about personal things but I always feel so funny to offer them up unless  someone asks me about it. But even while I while I was in the hospital, delivering my baby, I had the impression and felt strongly that I had to write it all down and share it with people. So I did. It's been a blessing though because I have received cards, calls and messaged from many of you that I probably wouldn't have otherwise and I just can't express how much that means to me.

So, how do I update? Do I post pictures of my kids and tell you how wonderful Halloween and Thanksgiving were and how excited we all are for Christmas? Well, Halloween was a blast and Thanksgiving was wonderful and we are all very excited about Christmas. But the past 3 months have been really hard for me. Losing a baby really sucks. I have been through so many different emotions, anger, fear, heartache, confusion and guilt to name a few. I have learned much and cried like a baby an untold number of times. But I have grown much and felt much peace and love. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. By this I mean the world of grief and deep hurt. I know my pain is small in comparison with what others have suffered and are suffering through. But now I get it, at least in part, like I just couldn't before. I am so much more aware of what it means to "mourn with those that mourn". I am grateful for that but I wish that knowledge could have come in some other way...but I know it couldn't have.

So, how am I really three months later? I have such a hard time knowing how to answer that question. I think I am doing pretty good actually. I feel like I have been able to handle things pretty well and heal in (mostly) healthy ways. I don't cry like a baby every day now. I function and do all that I need to. I feel at peace that this was in God's plan for me. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed. I haven't withdrawn inside myself and shut others out (although I have had to work hard to fight against these natural man urges). But I do hesitate to tell people I am good or okay because I am still hurting inside. I still cry nearly every day, although some days it's only a little tear or two. I long to have that baby back, safely inside of me. I long to have that big, uncomfortable tummy I was supposed to have through the holidays. I still hurt. I feel like if I say I am okay, people will think I don't need to be asked anymore how I really am. But when asked how I am, I generally put on a smile and do say "I am okay". I don't know what else to do. But I long to talk about my baby and my experience. I long to be asked how I am really feeling.

If you are reading this, I would like to ask a favor of you. I would ask that you think about those close to you who you know are grieving. Even if they lost someone years ago. Assume that the Holiday season will be hard for them. Assume that they are still hurting. Know that they will never forget who they lost. Call them, visit them, send them a card, give them a hug and tell them you are thinking about them.

Again, this is filled with some of my very personal thoughts, it took me about a week to decide if I should post it. I posted and un posted it several times :) But here it is. Please find someone who you can bring cheer to this Christmas Season.